Friday was my brother’s wedding. It was an unconventional wedding, to say the least, but it was fun. The happy couple are… happy. Yesterday was the reception which was unfortunately cut rather short as we were only able to book the place till 2300.
For this event I gave a speech. A title I considered giving it was ‘Operation Lead Balloon’
A speech like this should be hilarious and entertaining. This speech will differ in two important respects.
It is rather embarrassing to admit how tricky this speech was. I have a degree in writing. I should be able to rattle off a speech easily. It wasn’t so much that I had no ideas rather I had too many. So I finally decided to tell you the story of the speech.
My first thought was to begin in this way: Mawage. Mawige is wot bwings us together today. Much like zombies its been done to death. Also I don’t think Wichard would have appreciated it. I also didn’t think I could have sustained it for the next two hours.
Richard and Steph met at Cardiff university sci-fi society. After some time Richard found the courage to ask her out. Somewhere along the way they fell in love. Love is the greatest thing in the world – except for a nice MLT, mutton lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean.
Sorry… where was I.? Love is the second greatest thing in the world. When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time: parents, uncles, aunts, grandparent, and, yes, brothers, start to ask the question of when you will marry.
Richard and Steph decided not to marry. It wasn’t for them. So if someone had asked me, a few years back, wherever I thought Richard would make someone a good husband; I would have said: ‘Certainly. That’s assuming the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation approves funding for his plans to build fully functioning android companions.
Obviously Richard and Steph changed their minds. I quickly went from being very happy to being slightly terrified. I didn’t consider having to put together a speech.
The next idea was to give the speech in the style of the Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy. Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small un-regarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet. On that planet, in a country named after a large marine mammal, too people celebrate their wedding.
Then I thought I’d embrace my dyslexia and tell you that a wedding is defined as the process of removing weeds from one’s garden. This was too detached and not funny. Telling you that is called lampshade hanging. It’s what writers do to detract from their incompetence.
Over the years I have learned that, in a crisis, Richard is the person you want. That’s assuming he’s noticed the: massive alien space ship, tsunami, asteroid, or zombie apocalypses. He has moments of deep thought that are not necessarily related to what’s going on. Someone once described this as ‘Being off in Richard Land.’
I don’t blame him for this, okay that’s a lie, but his mind must be an interesting place. I have called upon him to explain various science things to me. When I expressed annoyance that it was so complicated be said. ‘Of course its complicated. It is rocket science.’
I digress… Once, many years ago, mum and dad were away and I was cooking. When picking the pan, off the gas hob, I accidentally set fire to the oven glove.
So there I was standing with this flaming glove on my hand. There was a sink right next to me. Did you know water extinguishes fire? I was as clueless as the Pleasantville fire department. Luckily Richard was there. He took the flaming glove from my hand – and extinguished it in the pond.
It is fortuitous that he’s found such a sensible wife in Steph. I think of Richard as a mad scientist. He likes to take things apart – and usually can put them back together again.
I can well imagine Richard in a basement with bubbling… science stuff on retorts. Science stuff is the best this ape-descended digital-watchaphile can manage. Now I feel secure in the knowledge that Steph will be there to say: “Are you sure that’s such a good idea?”
Speaking of bad ideas… once when we went to Malta Richard thought it was a good idea to bring a gun. A spud gun. I can only imagine the eyebrow rising that came with seeing that on the x-ray.
Today Richard and Steph embark on the adventure of marriage. Every marriage is an adventure. I’m sure they will have a fantastic life together as they boldly go where others have gone before.
Had to shoe horn those words into this some how…
Its fair to say that Richard and Steph are a weird couple. And don’t misunderstand the word weird. It is not a bad thing. There is a quote going round the internet which is this:
We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.’
This quote is sometimes attributed to Dr. Seuss. The problem with internet quotes is that you can’t always depend on their accuracy. As Abraham Lincoln once said ‘The problem with internet quotes is that you can’t always depend on their accuracy.’
Nevertheless this wedding is proof that Richard and Steph are different and unique. That sentence is proof that I’ve entered the realm of tautology. So it is also fitting that I end this speech before I start to repeat myself.
In closing this speech, before I repeat myself, I plan to fall back on tradition. It is traditional to offer advice to the married couple. So listen carefully: Do not go to Za’ha’dum, never tickle a sleeping dragon, don’t forget to be awesome, never get involved in a land war in Asia, and, always be sincere, whether you mean it or not.’
It only remains to say I wish you every happiness. I know you will have a glorious life together. May you live long and prosper.