You are My Sunshine

Yeah this will be another corny post and I don’t care. Today it was raining hard and I was out in it. By the time I arrived everything was wet! That’s the Welsh weather for you.

And seeing the grey sky made me wish for sunshine and of course the song came quickly to my mind.

And so did she.

I’m nothing if not single minded. Daydreaming is fun.

I came across an interesting article the other day and I would like to share it with you all. It’s called: This is How You Love Someone With Anxiety.

I’m sure that it is something that is relevant to a great many people. And I hope it is of use.

And to her I hope you’re okay.

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2017 – The Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions are doomed to failure. For proof you only need to go to a gym early in the new year and then again in March – or so I’m told since I’d be more likely to be the one not there.

I have failed before and I have said I have failed before and said that this year will be different before – if you can follow that you might be deserving of a medal.

This year I have a slightly different plan. I’m going to try to relax just a bit. I’m terrible at relaxing. In work I’ll be worried that I’m not going to be ready for the day and if I am ready I’ll be worried that that means I must have forgotten something. I can’t control work but at least I may be able to control the rest of my life.

In the rest of my life I have a to-do list. And I used to set it up to repeat necessary tasks. This year I haven’t done that. This year I have a cunning plan…

It’s not as cunning as a fox who went to oxford but it will do…

I’m adding all new tasks manually. So when there is a day when I can’t do stuff, for wherever reason, I don’t schedule stuff. So far it seems to be working. I’m scheduling less and getting more done.

So have I made any resolutions this year?

Kind of…

Sort of…

Your mileage may vary…

Finish my novel (which has been here for the last umpteen years)

Finish another secret novel.

Submit 12 short stories.

And help a very special woman in my life in any way I can.

Will I succeed who can say?

I will know in time.

***

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

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Silence

I sit here looking at this white space. What I could fill it with? Today is the seventh day of the year. And it wasn’t such a good day.

I’ve been on holiday this week. Its been nice to have had this time off but I haven’t achieved much. I’ve done some sorting in preparation of moving house, which is a good thing to get down, and saw Rouge One, but other than that not much.

I don’t want to drag you down with me, I sound like Marvin, but rather to express a thought. That silence is something so rarely experienced. Maybe it is something that should be experienced everyday.

It is so easy though to feel the need to fill every void – or rather to see empty space in one’s life as needing to be filled. When I haven’t set myself something to do for a day I never know what to do with myself.

I end up pottering about and walking just to meet a step goal. Which isn’t the best.

So, yes, today was a meh day. I can’t really call it bad, maybe I can, but a day of not much happening.

Tomorrow I’m back at work so at lease some small thing will happen.

I hope that you reading this now are well. I hope that if you get these moments of uncertainly and sadness that they pass quickly. And I hope that you have had a day filled with happiness and hugs.

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Happy New Year!

Well… I’m not sure how I can sum up 2016. Shit seems the most appropriate word. I don’t know if, statistically speaking, this year has been that bad but it certainly feels that way. I shall welcome 2017 with open arms.

Many famous people have died this year. Which ones are special to us depends greatly on our own point of view. I haven’t talked about these deaths but in this, my final post of the year, I feel I should talk about Carrie Fisher.

I only know of Carrie Fisher because of Star Wars. Until her death I was unaware of her work on mental health. So it is Star Wars I shall talk about.

The original Star Wars trilogy is lacking in female characters, it fails the Bechdel Test if that is anything to go by, but Princess Leia  was a strong and capable character. Luke and Han may have had to rescue her in the beginning but she was never a helpless damsel in distress.

“Somebody has to save our skins.”

Princess Leia.

And let’s be serious the Star Destroyer did rather outclass the Blockade Runner.

Princess Leia was a vital character to the original trilogy and Carrie Fisher will always be known for her portrayal of the character. And we will see her again when Episode 8 is released.

On a purely personal level, away from Brexit, Trump, and celebrity deaths, I have to count 2016 as a good year.

It saw the birth of my nephew. I’m still getting to grips with the idea of being an uncle. I’m looking forward to playing with Lego, watching Star Wars, and taking him to the cinema.

And I met a wonderful woman. We only talked for a couple of months and she always brought a smile to my face. I hope to be able to talk to her more next year.

So it’s goodbye to 2016 and hopefully 2017 will be a better year.

…but don’t we say that every new year?

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Christmas Eve

I’m writing this on the 21st of December. Today I just finished listening to A Christmas Carol. I read, or I suppose you could say experience, this book every year. This year I listened to the audible adaptation. It was quite a nice adaptation with a good cast and was free too…which is always good.

I also watched the 1999 adaptation with Patrick Stewart as Ebenezer Scrooge. It is a most faithful adaptation.

On balance of course the original is the best. The book is written in a rather grandfatherly style and includes the wonderful line ‘.and I am standing in the spirit at your elbow…’ – if you haven’t read this book I thoroughly recommend it. And tonight is the perfect night to do so.

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In the Pale Moonlight

Christmas is almost upon us. So before I start this post, which will be rather serious, lets start with some Christmas cheer.

I just think this is so creative. Anyway I want to talk to you today about depression and mental illness in general. It is a difficult topic – I am unqualified to talk about it but I need to. I will try and make it as lighthearted as possible and intersperse it with some music.

Maybe this one isn’t so light-hearted.

I chose the title because I think it nicely demonstrates how I feel sometimes. (And it’s the title of my favourite DS9 episode but that’s irrelevant – or is it a hippopotamus?)

That joke may only work spoken say it and see if you get it.

I have said before, somewhere on this blog, that I have this idea that I can fundamentally control my life – or rather that life is like a computer game that can be completed. And sometimes I feel depressed just because I haven’t done something that only I care about.

Yes… I have done this in the past. I have put fun on my to-do list. Because if I do that it feels like I’m achieving something.

What does this have to do with dancing and the devil?

Well with dancing one must lead and one must follow. So in a way I’m dancing with my own self. You could say it’s like the me from the mirror universe. I’m guessing that he must be clean shaven as I have a beard.

And so this other me takes the lead sometimes. And in those situations I feel terrible. And its not about what you’ve achieved in life (money/family however you measure it) or what you haven’t got. It’s… well one person described it as being like having a full fridge but not liking the look of any of the food.

My mind seems to do this…

…at the slightest provocation.

Where a normal person, in a difficult situation, might ask themselves: What’s the worst that can happen? And come up with things like: you’ll be fired, fined, ect…

My mind is thinking…

…or some such thing…

…well that’s a gross exaggeration but I’m sure you get the idea…

Yes… there have been thoughts of death in my mind at time… this is when the devil really takes over the dance…

This is something difficult to talk about. I’m not sure I can. I have moments that come on suddenly where I imagine having died and the reactions of others to this news…

… and then just as suddenly I’m happy again for no reason.

… which is nice…

This is getting very sad…

People, some people, don’t understand mental illness. This is an often repeated point but I’m going to make it anyway. I’m sure you’ve heard it. It’s the idea that if you said you weren’t going to attend a party because you’d fallen down the stairs that morning and broken their leg – everyone would understand – if you told them it was because of anxiety – they would tell you to cheer up.

I very dear friend of mine (the one from a couple of posts ago) is dealing with these issues now. It is sad how she devalue herself. Because she is courageous. She’s a fighter and I know she will pull through. And without meaning to be boastful perhaps I am too. I am frequently stressed, worried, and have dark thoughts, but I have a job and I maintain it – I can smile of course but I know that sooner or later the devil will take the lead again, I will feel terrible like there is no point to anything, and I will need to fight him off.

And to that friend I have to say…

‘I have been and always shall be your friend.’

… and that I miss you.

…And to all of you reading this, for whatever you a celebrating at this time of year, have a wonderful time!

***

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

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Absolute Pandemonium

I don’t mention many of the books I read but I’ve got to mention this one. Absolute Pandemonium, the autobiography of Brian Blessed, is a must read. To be more accurate I would actually say it’s a must listen.

Hearing Brian Blessed tell his own story is quite remarkable. The book is wonderfully funny of course and interesting too. I can’t recommend it enough. I’m actually listening to it at the moment. The next chapter is called… Gordon’s Alive.

That has got to be an endorsement hasn’t it? I’m recommending it before I’ve finished it!

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