Drafts

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I have many drafts on this blog which may never see the light of day.

I have an idea, start to write, and then, because of loss of confidence or time I stop. Then when I come back to it it is no longer relevant.

I had a post about Eurovision. I was going to post it a week after the contest. However it has now been a month! Did I have anything ground-breaking to say? No. Not as such. That is not the point.

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The point is I have always had trouble dealing with all the things I want to do. I have a list but somethings seem to come up again and again while others seem not to get a look in.

I have talked about this previously. The question is how to know when something is enough.

Take reading for example. I could set the target of reading one chapter a day. However a chapter can take anywhere from 5-50 minutes to read. Five feels like too little and fifty would dominate the day and not much else would get done.

That might be okay though. On the next day I might not read at all. Then something else would be the focus point of the day.

Then there is another problem. When can I say I have been productive enough? When can I relax?

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I am not good at relaxing. Firstly I am not even sure what I want to do when it is time to unwind and secondly I feel guilty as there is always more to do.

I have been struggling with this for so long. Honestly it is exhausting.

I am sure to many this seems stupid. Aside from household chores my life would not be adversely effected if I didn’t do any of this.

I could burn my to-do list diary, destroy my computer, and just spend my evenings going through various TV shows and films. I could give up on everything. My life could just be work, chores, films and food.

That life would not be that interesting to live though. At least not for me. And please I am not making a value judgement. If you want nothing more than just to watch TV in your free time then that is great.

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I have said this before. I want that flagpole feeling. You know when Mario completes a level? He jumps on the pole and there are fireworks. I want that feeling. Not literal fireworks but the feeling that it is enough. That the level (day) is completed.

I want to give myself permission to stop but, after about ten or more years of trying, this is something I just cannot get my head around.

I don’t come here today in the hopes of finding solutions. I am not sure that anything will satisfy me. I am just tired. Tired of trying to make my life work. Tired of never feeling good enough. And just tired in general.

See even now I am wondering if I have been working on this for too long. Should I be moving on to the next thing on the list? Can that thing wait till tomorrow? Can it wait till later in the week? The answer is that none of this needs to be done. They are deadlines created by me for me. And yet I can’t let go and say: ‘I don’t care. I am just going to go for a walk today. To hell with the list.’ I can’t do it!

So do I set a time target? It can work but if, for example, words don’t flow it doesn’t feel like I am done. I could use a word target but, again, 500 words can be done in 30 minutes or it might take hours.

Sometimes I feel I am just on the cusp of figuring this out. However it is just out of reach.

The torment of Tantalus.

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

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