Tag Archives: Mental Health

Order

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In the television series Babylon 5 the major conflict is between order and chaos. I think that describes me to a tee – although I don’t blow up planets when things aren’t working out – not until the death ray is completed anyway.

If I am disordered I don’t know what I need to do. If I am too ordered there is little room for life.

Order has two meanings for me. The first is being controlled – having homes for everything and trying to make the place look like something other than a pigsty. Most people, I would imagine, still have a draw of chaos – I am just trying not to have a flat of chaos.

The other type of order is the order in which we do things. For example when getting home from work what is the first thing you do?

Photo by Robin Stickel from Pexels

Do you make dinner first? Do you do some house work? Do you get on with your current project?

That project could be anything from working on a novel, practising the theremin, reading a book (not really a project but let’s go with it), knitting a scarf, painting the spare room or literally anything else in someway creative.

Odds are when you get home from work you are tired – so food might be in order – on the other hand if you get stuff done first then maybe dinner will taste all the nicer knowing that the evening is yours!

I wish I could sit here and give you a one size fits all solution. I want to tell you a way to be a productivity master!

There is no such animal.

I know, deep in my brain, that all we can do is our best. Unfortunately that doesn’t help me to say well done (to myself) and try to reassure myself I have done enough. I am never that kind to myself.

I am writing this at 1752 and I am yawing – since it is my day off I could stop doing stuff now and relax but that isn’t going to happen.

Photo by Jan Tancar from Pexels

This whole thing of organisation is very well trodden ground on this blog. My head is in a spin always trying to be better. I don’t know that I will ever find that way.

Photo by Valeria Boltneva from Pexels

I went to the bad place yesterday. I ordered fish and chips – despite the fact that I wasn’t all that hungry and I had already used my calories. And I don’t know what annoys me more – the fact that I did it or the fact that it helped and I felt better after some comfort food. In any event I have to make sure that that doesn’t become a regular thing. The next question is what is tonight’s dinner going to be?

I hope you are all doing well. If you are troubled with hard emotions I wish you all the best with the battle! See you next time.

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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Introvert in Solitary

https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-writing-on-notebook-4144923/

It is somewhat weird being introverted during this time. I do not go out all that much during a normal week, with the exception of work, therefore for me this time shouldn’t be all that different. In fact it should be easy – my lack of desire to leave the house has been replaced with lack of ability.

In the beginning it did feel a little weird not being able to go out but now I have mostly settled to being okay with it. Emphasis on the mostly.

On the whole I am doing okay but I am getting moments of stress and feeling like there are too many thoughts in my head.

https://www.pexels.com/@mehranb

Is this picture a bit too on nose to describe my mental state? Yeah it probably is but I am going to go with it! I am allowed to make disparaging remarks about myself.

I had come to the conclusion that I was mostly stressed because I was having trouble balancing the various facets of my life but it turns out it might be more than that. I now have so many extra hours and it is still not enough.

Photo by Shiva Smyth from Pexels

And frankly that has what has got me worried. I have done 34 hours of my own stuff this week. I am still feeling drained, which I count as different from being tired, and have some aces and pains in my body – but maybe that comes from sitting at my desk all day.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/box-cheerful-color-cute-207983/

Emotions have been a complicated thing for me for a while. I feel I have unsure of myself for a long time. Part of that uncertainly is a feeling of not meeting my goals – now though I know that those issues are not connected with lack of time – it is something else – and I need to discover what that is.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/black-and-white-blank-challenge-connect-262488/

My experience of this unprecedented period is simply one of isolation and an attempt to find what what is wrong with me.

In expressing these thoughts I in no way mean to take away from those who are suffering. I am sure that everyone has been effected – some in big ways and some in small ways – but I think we all need to consider all of our friends and family – from those who just need a quick text message – to those who may need more done for them. Take care of each other and see you next time.

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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Meditation

https://www.pexels.com/photo/adult-asian-bald-buddhism-372281/

At time of writing (Tuesday) I have completed a 340 day streak of meditation using the Calm app. (I believe I have to say at this point that this is not sponsored.) And I am still not sure how much it is helping me. I feel that it is but I am not sure that it is.

Meditation, which might be referred to as ‘alternative’ has provable benefits. There have been studies of people meditating in MRI scanners. The machine can show that there is a difference between the ‘normal’ brain and the meditating brain.

For me I think it is more about the pausing. There are so many things to do each day: work, checking emails, catching up on You Tube, spending time with family, spending time with friends, exercise, catching up on your favourite TV shows, reading, cooking, cleaning, and whatever else – I don’t know your life. So doing nothing certainly seems like a good thing to be doing from time to time.

It is also a hard thing. I am not good at doing nothing. Even when I am doing something I am worried about doing the wrong something. So just stopping is good.

My problem is I have meditation as just another task on my list. I think maybe it should be more than that. Maybe a different approach would be better – I have no idea what that might be.

The Calm app is very nice with lots of voices and it is not just for meditation – it has soundscapes and stories to help you sleep.

Finding what is important and necessary in life is a constant struggle. While I am not sure it is of help to meditate the app also has a counter making the chain of days where you have meditated – not wanting to break that chain is also a good incentive.

Some days I may only sit for a minute other days it will be ten.

Have you tried meditation? How did you get on with it?

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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And so it is 2020…

https://www.pexels.com/photo/flight-sky-earth-space-2166/

January always feels like a strange month to me. The year builds up to December. It feels like climbing a mountain. Then on new year’s eve we look back at the year gone and the year to come – the mountain behind and the mountain ahead – so to speak.

Photo by Abhiram Prakash from Pexels

We might look back at what we achieved. We might be disappointed at what we didn’t achieve. However the end of the year comes no matter what and we reach midnight.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-on-the-ground-with-a-red-black-and-white-parachute-68693/

So we dive off of one year and land before another year. Things feel possible again. If we didn’t get down to goal weight, exercise, read, write,or whatever enough maybe we will in the year before us. And all of this because the Earth has passed an arbitrary point in space.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/blue-universe-956981/

January is the start of the climb to the summit of a new year. A new story which we all hope will be better than the one before. I won’t share at this point my hopes for the new year as I am still trying to get my thoughts together on that. Well except for the obvious desires of happiness and health. For me they are both rather illusive things. I hope that you are happy and healthy in the coming year. I hope that this is the year your dreams come true.

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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House

Photo by Vladimir Kudinov from Pexels

Today (2019-10-05) I didn’t leave the flat. I am trying to decide if this is a good thing, a bad thing, or a neutral thing. It is bad from an exercise point of view that is for sure. I have taken less than 1000 steps so that is not so good – but I have got some stuff down – it is not like I have been binge watching TV.

Photo by Skitterphoto from Pexels

I resisted the temptation to have a takeaway. Instead I had some soup and garlic bread for tea. So I am still not doing well on the caloric intake. Overall though I have been productive and that is something for the win column – even if, once again, I am realising I am trying to do more stuff than I have time for.

Cannot run out of time. You are finite. Zathras is finite.

Zathras (Babylon 5: War Without End Part 2)

I know I am going round in circles having talked about this before. Which I suppose means that I am not making much headway. One thing I have done is book a holiday. It is not till next year but I am going to Amsterdam.

Photo by Chait Goli from Pexels

I have a bucket list book which I am writing in every so often. Most of what I want to do is to travel – so it is long past time that I started to do that. I have never been abroad by myself before. The Netherlands seems like a good place to start. I can fly from Cardiff for one thing – and maybe I will go to Belgium too as it is not too far from Amsterdam.

Photo by Vincent Rivaud from Pexels

That is the plan for next year – and I hope to go abroad every other year at least – in theory I can afford that – money is the only barrier now.

For my day-to-day life I have no idea how to work things out. I have no idea how to balance all that I need to do with all that I want to do. All I can do is to keep trying to figure things out and battle the terrible feelings when they arise.

I hope you are well and happy and I will be back next week.

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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Apple for A Job

Red Dwarf is in trouble (again)

I have dyslexia which is why ‘Apple for a job’ was on my to-do list. Incidentally who decided that dyslexia should be spelt that way. Why not dislexear – is that the correct phonetic spelling? I do not know I have dyslexia – and apparently I like to repeat myself – so I won’t be winning Just a Minute any time soon.

This show is always funny.

Well it is not ‘apple’ but apply for a job. And there is nothing more tedious than filling out an application form or bolstering a CV – especially when some places require you to submit a CV and then repeat the information on the application form!

The problem is that, aside from writing, I have no idea what it is that I want. This is bad because I am 32 and because without a clear idea it is difficult to go at it with any enthusiasms. So I am left with searching for jobs and seeing what sticks in my mind. Frankly I just want to write – and possibly live in a tiny house – and travel – and fall in love – and have lots of kisses – and banish my depression. Most of that shouldn’t be too much. If I can find a job that allows for those things I could do almost anything couldn’t I?

I do not know.

Just a short one this week. See you next time.

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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Birthday

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It is funny, and also sad, how a birthday changes as you get older. When you’re young it is exciting. It might mean going to bed later. It might mean being allowed to do something new – either from a legal perspective or because your parents now deem you old enough. However there comes a point where a birthday is just another day.

I am starting writing this on the 14th – my birthday is the 17th and the day has just crept up on me. At one time I would have been so excited now I am kind of meh about it. It is sad.

I have spoken before about feelings of sadness and depression and I think that on my birthday is when it really comes in to focus. My birthday is a milestone I am 32 now (it is now the 17th) and it can be a sign that another ship has joined the fleet of missed opportunities. That is how it feels sometimes at least. I am not in a relationship and I am still figuring myself out. And sometimes I think I always will be.

I know exactly how Kirk feels.

Lately I have been thinking of fundamental changes I could make to my living situation. I live in a studio flat and at times it feels like not enough space. I have come to realise that it is not the amount of space but how it utilised. I am renting and the flat came with a bulky bed with little storage – one of those that lifts up would be far better.

I love this space – I would have a library instead of the walk-in wardrobe.

I have been watching a lot of videos of these tiny homes. I say tiny but this place is better than where I live. The clever use of space is wonderful there is so much you can do if you have control. We are heading into a new year and living in a place like this lovely house would be amazing.

There are only two things you need for a tiny house – money and a place to put it. The first one should be doable, even a loan could be paid off in five years and be no more than rent over those five years, the problem is the second one.

I encourage you to go to this YouTube channel these videos are great.

The world hasn’t really woken up to the idea of tiny homes yet. This seems a little silly. There is often talk of it being impossible to own your own home in the current economy and a tiny home can make that possible. Land could be set aside in cities for such constriction. Wouldn’t it be nice to see a street of these little houses each one unique? And that is not even getting into what it could do for homeless people.

The number one house in this video costs $5000. It would be so cheap, on a governmental scale, to provide a home for all the homeless in the UK. Brexit has cost so much money just think of what that could have done to help the homeless and others in great need.

Photo by Markus Spiske temporausch.com from Pexels

It is now the 22nd of September – yes it has taken a long time to write this. Yesterday I was out with my family. We had a beautiful sunny day and went to Margam Park. I hadn’t been to the park in a long time and it was wonderful to walk in the sunshine. I got a Lego set and some money from my parents and a book and some money from my brother.

Today I am okay and sometimes that is all that can be said. It is early still as I finish this and then on to the next task. Today is a good day. My feelings are often problematic as I know that deep sadness will return but that is tomorrow.

Oh and I picked up my repaired phone – they did a great job.

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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Do Less to do More

https://www.pexels.com/photo/clear-glass-with-red-sand-grainer-39396/

I had a week off a few weeks back. I had leave to take rather than going anywhere. I really should have gone somewhere – that is a different story of me having the planning capabilities of a gnat. Instead I was following my ridiculously detailed to-do list. I made a useful discovery though. I am trying to do more things than I have time for. In short my list would only work if the days were longer than 24 hours. I am moving to Bajor!

Photo by Skitterphoto from Pexels

I have spoken many times about my attachment to my to-do list, my attempt to get things done, my feeling of never doing enough, and in general managing to stress out about stuff that only I care about. I discovered I was trying to do over twenty hours – a struggle on a week off – impossible on a normal week. Well maybe not impossible but you are forgetting my proclivity for procrastination – so much procrastination. Perhaps a more accurate statement would be that I suck at prioritising.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/human-skull-with-white-background-46510/

I didn’t just ineffectively follow my list. I say ineffectively because I never did get the feeling of a good thing done. What was the other thing I was doing? Binge watching Bones. That counts as productive, right? Right?

Photo by lalesh aldarwish from Pexels

In other thoughts… These blog posts are always written over several sessions. It takes a while and doing otherwise might mean I didn’t do something else – things like meditation, my diary, and Duolingo. The apps I use keep track of progress and therefore I don’t want to miss a day. The problem is the ebb and flow of my metal state.

Photo by Tamba Budiarsana from Pexels

I may start a post on a bad day and thus the post is morose and unhappy. Then I come back to it on a good day and suddenly the hopelessness previously shown makes no sense. Meaning it is difficult to pick up where I left off.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-playing-mini-fig-1660662/

It is like playing with Lego as a child. Perhaps you are building a space rocket and then mum tells you to go to bed before it is finished. When you wake up the next day you want to make a submarine. So you take apart the rocket but bed time happens before the sub is finished and the cycle goes on and on.

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

At the moment I am okay. I am not feeling the hopelessness I sometimes feel it is more of a resigned feeling. More Puddleglum – less Marvin the paranoid android. Are those two characters too similar for this example to work?

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

Here is a picture of a lion because Puddleglum is a character from the Chronicles of Narnia – and Pexels didn’t have a wardrobe in their collection.

Photo by Adrianna Calvo from Pexels

And here is a beach because I like beaches and walking along one on holiday always has a calming effect. Whoever you are reading this now – thank you and I hope you are doing well.

Photo by Francesco Ungaro from Pexels

And happy Star Wars day for yesterday.

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.  

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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The Untitled Blog Post

A great song by my favourite artist.

It is Sunday. Once again I am writing this in the eleventh hour; actually I have eight hours until you will read this. I wanted to share this song with you a song I think I have shared it before.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/white-bed-comforter-212269/

I had trouble getting out of bed this morning. Maybe I was just tired but I was too alert to go back to sleep and too sleepy to get up. This happens to me sometimes. On a work day I can force myself to get out of bed – in that case other people are relying on me and I need to be somewhere. When it is just me though it is easy to just stay in bed.

I haven’t listened to this one in years but it was in my mind this morning.

So I was in bed. I looked at some YouTube videos I wasn’t really interested in and wished I was getting up. Does this happen to anyone else here? That you really want to do something but some how you just can’t make your body do it? In the end it took about two hours and even now I am still feeling groggy maybe the morning isn’t the best time for me.

Sometimes they play this song in work…on Sunday! Now isn’t that ironic?

I want to be a morning person. I have spoken here before about getting up at 0500 and the days when I have have been productive. However they are also days when I don’t get enough sleep. My grogginess is nothing to do with sleep, not that I am a doctor of course, but I have felt more alert on days of six hours of sleep than on some days of nine.

Rushing around indeed, Dido

The problem is I seem to be neither a morning or an evening person. I would love to do an experiment of what times I would do things if I didn’t know about time. It would mean having another person around to record what time it was.

Not really relevant but I am talking about time. (Plus this episode is excellent.)

With work we all have to fit in to the idea of mornings being the beginning. Now that is a weird turn of phrase but it is true. The stereotypical job begins at 0900 but some people don’t really feel like they’re capable of doing anything till later in the day. Perhaps it is because I work shifts but I have not yet figured out my best time to get my stuff done.

Yeah. Pretty much.

I have got some of my stuff done this week but there is still so much more to do. And without access to a time machine it won’t be possible. There are so few hours and so many more distractions. I am also the king of procrastination and sometimes even when I have been productive I am not happy about what I have done but annoyed at what I haven’t done. And… you have probably guessed it the gym was one of the things that didn’t happen this week.

I can’t wait to watch this with my nephew.

When I am feeling uncertain, sad, worried, lonely, concerned, or just thinking of a future that may never be there is always nostalgia. Watching a show you know well can be helpful because you know how it ends. I may not manage to figure life out, I may not get published, I may not have reciprocal love but International Rescue will always save the day.

Whoever you’ve been today; happy, sad, lonely, worried, tired, or energetic I hope you’ve have an excellent day and that your Monday isn’t too manic.

***
I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.  

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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The Ramble of a Confused Man

Have you ever felt like this when Googling symptoms?

The internet is a wonderful thing in many ways but it can also cause many issues. One of them is the problem of Googling to find out what is wrong with you.

Rachel: I don’t know! I think it’s kind of serious! Oh, you know… I was watching this thing on TV this morning about… Newcastle disease… and I think I might have it!!
Charlie: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only affects chickens and… other poultry.

The One with the Soap Opera Party (Friends)

A person could spend half an hour googling and discover they have a disease thought to have been extinct, an appendix about to explode, and that they are pregnant. Which is especially concerning if they have already had their appendix removed and are male. The reality turns out to be that they drank too much alcohol and not enough water the night before.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/adult-care-cure-doctor-433635/

I had an idea for a science fiction story once. It was a world where doctors could simulate the patient’s condition in themselves. My reasoning behind this was that in doing so the doctor might be better able to prescribe the right medicine. After all we all conceptualise the universe differently. Even in a family you might disagree on if something is red or orange. When we used to play Uno with my grandmother she couldn’t see the difference between the green and the blue. More than that though mightn’t it be tricky to know what is a problem? The human body is going to hurt sometimes and we all have different pain tolerances. If a patient says the have pain in their arm there is really no way to know if that is something that will pass or indicative of something else.

Flanders and Swann (The Elephant)

In Star Trek they have the tricorder. I wish this thing existed in reality. I am not like the elephant in this song but it would still be great to have a doctor wave a device over me and know about all that was wrong mentally and physically – and how serious it all was? That technology is, at the moment, indistinguishable from magic as Clarke would say.

Photo by PhotoMIX Ltd. from Pexels

Sometimes googling symptoms might yield results. I think it can be a good first step but certainly not the last step. Until such time as we have magical scanning devices we just have to get by with how we feel and decided if we need further help.

I wanted to write this because I know there is something not quite right in my mind. I feel strange a lot of the time. I get upset over small things, I get stressed in situations that others can cope, I am slow where others are fast, I struggle where others do not. And none of this is to get sympathy, that is not what this is about, it is about the human condition.

Photo by samer daboul from Pexels

Fear and anxiety are the easiest emotion I can think of to explain what I an ineptly reaching for. Spiders don’t bother me at all. If I see one in my flat the most I would do is say: ‘Hi, Bert.’ Some people are terrified of them and it doesn’t matter if they know they are harmless. For myself I have difficulty with plans. When I go to work in the morning I will have an idea in my head of what I am doing that evening, even if it is just watching Netflix, and for me it is not such an easy choice if I am invited to the cinema after work – because I had plans.

That is the thing I really want to say from this rambling post. I think we all need to understand what others find difficult. I want to put an example here but I don’t want to offend or embarrass anyone. Some of my issues are weird even to me. Like feeling I shouldn’t have spent so much time on this post. Why? Because it wasn’t on the plan for today.

Maybe this post is too rambling. Maybe it doesn’t make all that much sense and it is just a bunch of words not in a good order. I don’t know. Sometimes things demand to be written. I needed to write it though and try, even if it only makes sense to me, to get somethings out of my brain and on to screen.

In closing I would just like to say I hope you are doing well with whatever fears and difficulties you are facing. And I am going to prove I leaned nothing from studying creative writing by ending on a cliche – ‘You’ve got this.’ Good luck to you, dear reader. Good luck too all of us.

***
I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.  

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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