Tag Archives: Mental Health

2022-06-13 · 11:27

Drafts

I have many drafts on this blog which may never see the light of day.

I have an idea, start to write, and then, because of loss of confidence or time I stop. Then when I come back to it it is no longer relevant.

I had a post about Eurovision. I was going to post it a week after the contest. However it has now been a month! Did I have anything ground-breaking to say? No. Not as such. That is not the point.

Photo by Jess Bailey Designs on Pexels.com

The point is I have always had trouble dealing with all the things I want to do. I have a list but somethings seem to come up again and again while others seem not to get a look in.

I have talked about this previously. The question is how to know when something is enough.

Take reading for example. I could set the target of reading one chapter a day. However a chapter can take anywhere from 5-50 minutes to read. Five feels like too little and fifty would dominate the day and not much else would get done.

That might be okay though. On the next day I might not read at all. Then something else would be the focus point of the day.

Then there is another problem. When can I say I have been productive enough? When can I relax?

I am not good at relaxing. Firstly I am not even sure what I want to do when it is time to unwind and secondly I feel guilty as there is always more to do.

I have been struggling with this for so long. Honestly it is exhausting.

I am sure to many this seems stupid. Aside from household chores my life would not be adversely effected if I didn’t do any of this.

I could burn my to-do list diary, destroy my computer, and just spend my evenings going through various TV shows and films. I could give up on everything. My life could just be work, chores, films and food.

That life would not be that interesting to live though. At least not for me. And please I am not making a value judgement. If you want nothing more than just to watch TV in your free time then that is great.

I have said this before. I want that flagpole feeling. You know when Mario completes a level? He jumps on the pole and there are fireworks. I want that feeling. Not literal fireworks but the feeling that it is enough. That the level (day) is completed.

I want to give myself permission to stop but, after about ten or more years of trying, this is something I just cannot get my head around.

I don’t come here today in the hopes of finding solutions. I am not sure that anything will satisfy me. I am just tired. Tired of trying to make my life work. Tired of never feeling good enough. And just tired in general.

See even now I am wondering if I have been working on this for too long. Should I be moving on to the next thing on the list? Can that thing wait till tomorrow? Can it wait till later in the week? The answer is that none of this needs to be done. They are deadlines created by me for me. And yet I can’t let go and say: ‘I don’t care. I am just going to go for a walk today. To hell with the list.’ I can’t do it!

So do I set a time target? It can work but if, for example, words don’t flow it doesn’t feel like I am done. I could use a word target but, again, 500 words can be done in 30 minutes or it might take hours.

Sometimes I feel I am just on the cusp of figuring this out. However it is just out of reach.

The torment of Tantalus.

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

I have signed up to Buy Me a Coffee. If you like what you see please consider supporting my Blog: buymeacoff.ee/SDuKYJBkJm

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as Mental Health, Productivity

2021-11-25 · 17:05

The Narrative

Recently I have got into Lego. Technically I have got into Lego again. I am an adult, so they tell me, therefore playing with Lego might mean something. You can call it a coping mechanism, or a midlife crises if you wish but really I think it is just harmless fun. And I am discovering that Lego is certainly not just for children anymore.

There are now sets aimed directly at adults – so be sure to duck.

I bought a set called The Bookshop. While the set looks lovely I feel it is lacking in some areas so I am going to modify it… or rather adjust it.

Saying ‘modify’ implies that I know what I am doing. I do not. So ‘adjust’ is the word I am going to go with. And this is where the crazy sets in.

I looked at the set and started to think about what I wanted to change. I can go online, money notwithstanding, and get any parts I want. But what if I saw things from the point of view of the Lego people.

Bear with me…

When writing a story it is important to have verisimilitude. That is to say believability. If your character owns a Bookshop what resources would they have? Could they afford to build an extension on their business for example?

This thought occurred to me as I was looking at the finished set. In some ways it was more interesting to me than simply making any adjustments I could imagine.

Although I did eventually demolish the whole thing!

I wonder at what age we loose our confidence in creativity.

A child will look at a pile of Lego and put them together at random. Why can’t the pirates find gold in a moon buggy? Why can’t a Bookshop deliver via helicopter? More than that though they will be much less likely to feel that what they have built is ‘wrong’.

So far I have put Hermione Granger and Harry Potter in Central Perk – and a Battle Droid is singing to them – so I am part of the way there!

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as lego, Mental Health

2021-03-01 · 12:33

Rain

I don’t know why rain would be the first thing that comes to my mind. Oh that’s right I live in Wales. As I start to write this it has been raining a lot today. (2021-02-21) I like rain about as much as Anakin Skywalker likes sand! Yes I know it is necessary for crops and all that but do we really have to have quite so much of it! Can it not just rain at night! That wouldn’t help since I am sometimes out at work rather late!

Photo by **Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas** from **Pexels**

When you have somewhere to be rain is a big annoyance. When you don’t you can look out at the crazy weather and be in awe – just how much rain can fit in the sky – so to speak!

Is there a lesson their somewhere? While I am trudging home in the poring rain cursing the universe someone else is admiring the storm.

You can see now why I don’t try and say anything profound on these posts.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/bicycle-lane-on-gray-concrete-road-210095/

I now have a thirty minute cycle to work. My previous bike died on moving day – it was a folding bike and a metal rod, part of the mechanism, snapped. So I have bought a shiny new bike. I have called it Defiant – not just because of the USS Defiant from DS9 “Tough little ship.” but as a reminder to myself that I am doing what I need to do at the moment and never mind what others might think.

I have discovered from this first week in this new flat, at my parent’s house, that things already feel better. Having someone to talk to after a day in work is invaluable and I need that. I, apparently, don’t do well on my own and I am only just starting to understand that but I am still not sure what to do with that information.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as cycling, Mental Health

2021-02-18 · 22:22

Eyes

Photo by **Bess Hamiti** from **Pexels**

In choosing the title for this blog post I really have no idea where it is going to go. Maybe that is half the fun of it. Aside from pictures, like the one above, I don’t know that I have ever looked closely at someone’s eyes.

If we were to draw a picture of eyes I think most of us would use just a block of colour but, as you can see, they are not actually like that. There are pools of colour and different shades. I wonder what the reason for that is or is it just one of those quirks of nature that don’t have much of a meaning. I could look into it (no pun intended) but somehow I am not sure I would understand the answer.

Photo by **Alex Martin** from **Pexels**

Sometimes my eyes hurt. Maybe it is because of screens. Computer’s and mobiles are not good for the eyes. We may not think of it in in this way but we are essentially looking at light for most of the day. I keep telling myself I am going to shut down my devices and have less screen time before bed. It never happens! Why is it so hard to drag ourselves away. It is not like the thing we are doing won’t be there for us the next day.

I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile. Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service us.
Locutus (Star Trek: The Next Generation The Best of Both Words)

We are not the Borg the devices are not in our heads. (Somehow I want to say ‘Yet’ at this juncture.)We can walk away from the technology and do something else – but it is difficult. We can scroll for ever.

Photo by **Adrianna Calvo** from **Pexels**

A better alternative would be to read a book. Even that feels like a challenge. Do you get moments like that? You feel too tired to do something of substance but not tired enough to sleep.

Maybe it is a training thing. To develop better habits we have to, in the beginning, force ourselves to be better before it later becomes second nature to us.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/path-railroad-rails-straight-1425/

As I alluded to last time change is coming. I am moving further away from where I work this will mean a longer commute. The plus side of it is more exercise and reading time.

Photo by **Life Of Pix** from **Pexels**

She is going to read when she gets on the train – there is a small book in that bag!

A longer commute is a pain but reading time is never a bad thing! Now though it is time to talk about why I am moving and where I am going.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-bear-leaning-on-bed-headboard-832999/

I am moving into a studio flat at my parent’s house. Basically they have converted the garage – it was already a room, with a toilet and sink, but now it will be a studio flat. I have lived alone for a long time and I have been finding it difficult for a while. Technically I will be still living alone but I will have family close at hand should I need it.

Part of me feels weird about doing this. It feels like a step backwards. On the other hand it may also be exactly what I need. In some ways I am not well – I may not have a diagnosis or piece of paper to prove that but I feel it – the anxiety and the spiral of hopelessness. For now this is what I need to do to be happier in life so this is what I am going to do. It is my hope that in time I will start to feel better again – it has been a long time since I felt completely ‘normal’.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as Mental Health

2021-02-08 · 09:42

Judgement

When you’re in school there is this idea of keeping up appearances. And I am not talking about Mrs Bucket. I only have this from a male perspective but I am sure women experienced something similar. It is the idea that there are some things you are supposed to like and falling out side of that can make you feel ostracised.

Photo by **Magda Ehlers** from **Pexels**

Then into adulthood nobody cares. Mostly nobody cares – there is always someone. If you are introverted and you say you want spend your evening reading, sitting alone with a film, or playing Mario Kart someone will probably ask why you never want to have fun. The funny thing is I would look very silly if I said that to someone saying they were going to a party!

Photo by **Maurício Mascaro** from **Pexels**

However being introverted, I am declaring myself that, doesn’t mean I dislike all integrations. If it is a group talking about something I like it can be great fun.

Photo by **Andrew Neel** from **Pexels**

I do judge myself though. I fall into the same pattern every weekend. For my purposes a weekend is Sunday and Monday. I end up doing the same stuff and coming to the end of Monday feeling like I didn’t do enough. I also feel tired a lot of the time.

I am not saying this stuff to garner sympathy or anything. This blog is the public diary, for want of a better phrase, and what would a diary be without personal thoughts?

Photo by **Andrea Piacquadio** from **Pexels**

The popular definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I must be a text book case of this. Self diagnosis is not the best is it?

This blog post has been (and will be) written over several days and mostly in short bursts. On today (2021-02-02) only this and the next paragraph will be written.

I have just spent an hour dealing with emails – I planned to spend at most 15 minutes – so why an hour? Because clearing emails is a job that can’t be done in one sitting so I come up with a way to say ‘That is enough.’ and clearly that way is stupid!

I have the bad habit of liking the plan because it is the plan and sticking with it even beyond the point of it proving ineffective!

These two paragraphs were written on the 3rd and thus the plan continues. Short bursts. I have said it before that I am doing this and that is the problem I am facing – I go around and around in circles and never seem to figure it out. I am 34 this year I should have figured this out by now.

Maybe there are some things we never figure out in life. One of the things I am discovering to be difficult is to manage on my own.

Photo by **Christian Domingues** from **Pexels**

In an ideal world I would get a dog. We don’t live in an ideal world. It would be unfair to expect a dog to be okay alone for 11 (ish) hours a day five days a week. However, without being too hyperbolic, I think having a dog would help me. On those days when getting up is difficult a dog would give me a reason to – and walking the dog in the park feels, somehow, better than just going for a walk by myself.

I remember a video from a while back of a woman and her dog. She was distressed and hitting herself but the dog was there to help. It stopped her, trying to move her hand aside, and find a way to comfort her. Dog seem to have unending compassion for their pack – and with humans we are the head of the pack. One day I hope to go to an animal shelter and see which of the dogs reacts to me – as my mother said ‘Let the dog adopt me.’

One day is a horrible phrase there is a suggestion in it that what we want may never happen.

And I come to the conclusion. There is a change in my life coming. It is one that I hope will make me feel better – less anxious – less lonely – and less depressed – but despite all I believe about judgment and allowing each individual to make their choices I find I cannot commit to tell you here. Maybe next time.

Be safe and be well.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as depression, judge, Mental Health, secrects

2020-10-06 · 09:30

Blank

It is Monday.

I am letting the words flow from me and trying to put something together here. It is funny but when I am at work ideas percolate in my mind but when I sit to type there ideas seem to evaporate.

I am always tired and a bit stiff on my days off. It is like my mind can’t relax completely and I am weighed down by my thoughts – there are just too many of them – and at the same time there are none of them!

It is now Tuesday.

So this post is late now – more that 24 hours after I planned – but how much does that matter?

Maybe a lot.

Maybe a little.

I appreciate everyone who reads this blog. Sometimes though I struggle to get content out at least to a strict weekly time line – and I am thinking would not a different approach be better?

Some people say it is better not to work to a schedule and timetable for content – rather it is better to only release content that is polished and is something to be proud of. I am thinking that that might be a better approach from now on – I can write when inspired and a new post will appear at some random time.

Maybe I am going through some stuff that I haven’t completely processed. I often feel confused in my own mind. Maybe that will be something for next time.

Thank you for reading my jumbled thoughts. I hope you are all doing well.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as Mental Health

2020-08-23 · 18:14

Order

Photo by **bongkarn thanyakij** from **Pexels**

In the television series Babylon 5 the major conflict is between order and chaos. I think that describes me to a tee – although I don’t blow up planets when things aren’t working out – not until the death ray is completed anyway.

If I am disordered I don’t know what I need to do. If I am too ordered there is little room for life.

Order has two meanings for me. The first is being controlled – having homes for everything and trying to make the place look like something other than a pigsty. Most people, I would imagine, still have a draw of chaos – I am just trying not to have a flat of chaos.

The other type of order is the order in which we do things. For example when getting home from work what is the first thing you do?

Photo by **Robin Stickel** from **Pexels**

Do you make dinner first? Do you do some house work? Do you get on with your current project?

That project could be anything from working on a novel, practising the theremin, reading a book (not really a project but let’s go with it), knitting a scarf, painting the spare room or literally anything else in someway creative.

Odds are when you get home from work you are tired – so food might be in order – on the other hand if you get stuff done first then maybe dinner will taste all the nicer knowing that the evening is yours!

I wish I could sit here and give you a one size fits all solution. I want to tell you a way to be a productivity master!

There is no such animal.

I know, deep in my brain, that all we can do is our best. Unfortunately that doesn’t help me to say well done (to myself) and try to reassure myself I have done enough. I am never that kind to myself.

I am writing this at 1752 and I am yawing – since it is my day off I could stop doing stuff now and relax but that isn’t going to happen.

This whole thing of organisation is very well trodden ground on this blog. My head is in a spin always trying to be better. I don’t know that I will ever find that way.

Photo by **Valeria Boltneva** from **Pexels**

I went to the bad place yesterday. I ordered fish and chips – despite the fact that I wasn’t all that hungry and I had already used my calories. And I don’t know what annoys me more – the fact that I did it or the fact that it helped and I felt better after some comfort food. In any event I have to make sure that that doesn’t become a regular thing. The next question is what is tonight’s dinner going to be?

I hope you are all doing well. If you are troubled with hard emotions I wish you all the best with the battle! See you next time.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as Food, Mental Health, Productivity

2020-04-19 · 18:10

Introvert in Solitary

https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-writing-on-notebook-4144923/

It is somewhat weird being introverted during this time. I do not go out all that much during a normal week, with the exception of work, therefore for me this time shouldn’t be all that different. In fact it should be easy – my lack of desire to leave the house has been replaced with lack of ability.

In the beginning it did feel a little weird not being able to go out but now I have mostly settled to being okay with it. Emphasis on the mostly.

On the whole I am doing okay but I am getting moments of stress and feeling like there are too many thoughts in my head.

Is this picture a bit too on nose to describe my mental state? Yeah it probably is but I am going to go with it! I am allowed to make disparaging remarks about myself.

I had come to the conclusion that I was mostly stressed because I was having trouble balancing the various facets of my life but it turns out it might be more than that. I now have so many extra hours and it is still not enough.

Photo by **Shiva Smyth** from **Pexels**

And frankly that has what has got me worried. I have done 34 hours of my own stuff this week. I am still feeling drained, which I count as different from being tired, and have some aces and pains in my body – but maybe that comes from sitting at my desk all day.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/box-cheerful-color-cute-207983/

Emotions have been a complicated thing for me for a while. I feel I have unsure of myself for a long time. Part of that uncertainly is a feeling of not meeting my goals – now though I know that those issues are not connected with lack of time – it is something else – and I need to discover what that is.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/black-and-white-blank-challenge-connect-262488/

My experience of this unprecedented period is simply one of isolation and an attempt to find what what is wrong with me.

In expressing these thoughts I in no way mean to take away from those who are suffering. I am sure that everyone has been effected – some in big ways and some in small ways – but I think we all need to consider all of our friends and family – from those who just need a quick text message – to those who may need more done for them. Take care of each other and see you next time.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as corona, isolation., Mental Health

2020-02-16 · 18:00

Meditation

https://www.pexels.com/photo/adult-asian-bald-buddhism-372281/

At time of writing (Tuesday) I have completed a 340 day streak of meditation using the Calm app. (I believe I have to say at this point that this is not sponsored.) And I am still not sure how much it is helping me. I feel that it is but I am not sure that it is.

Meditation, which might be referred to as ‘alternative’ has provable benefits. There have been studies of people meditating in MRI scanners. The machine can show that there is a difference between the ‘normal’ brain and the meditating brain.

For me I think it is more about the pausing. There are so many things to do each day: work, checking emails, catching up on You Tube, spending time with family, spending time with friends, exercise, catching up on your favourite TV shows, reading, cooking, cleaning, and whatever else – I don’t know your life. So doing nothing certainly seems like a good thing to be doing from time to time.

It is also a hard thing. I am not good at doing nothing. Even when I am doing something I am worried about doing the wrong something. So just stopping is good.

My problem is I have meditation as just another task on my list. I think maybe it should be more than that. Maybe a different approach would be better – I have no idea what that might be.

The Calm app is very nice with lots of voices and it is not just for meditation – it has soundscapes and stories to help you sleep.

Finding what is important and necessary in life is a constant struggle. While I am not sure it is of help to meditate the app also has a counter making the chain of days where you have meditated – not wanting to break that chain is also a good incentive.

Some days I may only sit for a minute other days it will be ten.

Have you tried meditation? How did you get on with it?

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as meditation, Mental Health

2020-01-05 · 18:00

And so it is 2020…

https://www.pexels.com/photo/flight-sky-earth-space-2166/

January always feels like a strange month to me. The year builds up to December. It feels like climbing a mountain. Then on new year’s eve we look back at the year gone and the year to come – the mountain behind and the mountain ahead – so to speak.

Photo by **Abhiram Prakash** from **Pexels**

We might look back at what we achieved. We might be disappointed at what we didn’t achieve. However the end of the year comes no matter what and we reach midnight.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-on-the-ground-with-a-red-black-and-white-parachute-68693/

So we dive off of one year and land before another year. Things feel possible again. If we didn’t get down to goal weight, exercise, read, write,or whatever enough maybe we will in the year before us. And all of this because the Earth has passed an arbitrary point in space.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/blue-universe-956981/

January is the start of the climb to the summit of a new year. A new story which we all hope will be better than the one before. I won’t share at this point my hopes for the new year as I am still trying to get my thoughts together on that. Well except for the obvious desires of happiness and health. For me they are both rather illusive things. I hope that you are happy and healthy in the coming year. I hope that this is the year your dreams come true.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as Health, Mental Health, New Year