When you’re in school there is this idea of keeping up appearances. And I am not talking about Mrs Bucket. I only have this from a male perspective but I am sure women experienced something similar. It is the idea that there are some things you are supposed to like and falling out side of that can make you feel ostracised.
Then into adulthood nobody cares. Mostly nobody cares – there is always someone. If you are introverted and you say you want spend your evening reading, sitting alone with a film, or playing Mario Kart someone will probably ask why you never want to have fun. The funny thing is I would look very silly if I said that to someone saying they were going to a party!
However being introverted, I am declaring myself that, doesn’t mean I dislike all integrations. If it is a group talking about something I like it can be great fun.
I do judge myself though. I fall into the same pattern every weekend. For my purposes a weekend is Sunday and Monday. I end up doing the same stuff and coming to the end of Monday feeling like I didn’t do enough. I also feel tired a lot of the time.
I am not saying this stuff to garner sympathy or anything. This blog is the public diary, for want of a better phrase, and what would a diary be without personal thoughts?
The popular definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I must be a text book case of this. Self diagnosis is not the best is it?
This blog post has been (and will be) written over several days and mostly in short bursts. On today (2021-02-02) only this and the next paragraph will be written.
I have just spent an hour dealing with emails – I planned to spend at most 15 minutes – so why an hour? Because clearing emails is a job that can’t be done in one sitting so I come up with a way to say ‘That is enough.’ and clearly that way is stupid!
I have the bad habit of liking the plan because it is the plan and sticking with it even beyond the point of it proving ineffective!
These two paragraphs were written on the 3rd and thus the plan continues. Short bursts. I have said it before that I am doing this and that is the problem I am facing – I go around and around in circles and never seem to figure it out. I am 34 this year I should have figured this out by now.
Maybe there are some things we never figure out in life. One of the things I am discovering to be difficult is to manage on my own.
In an ideal world I would get a dog. We don’t live in an ideal world. It would be unfair to expect a dog to be okay alone for 11 (ish) hours a day five days a week. However, without being too hyperbolic, I think having a dog would help me. On those days when getting up is difficult a dog would give me a reason to – and walking the dog in the park feels, somehow, better than just going for a walk by myself.
I remember a video from a while back of a woman and her dog. She was distressed and hitting herself but the dog was there to help. It stopped her, trying to move her hand aside, and find a way to comfort her. Dog seem to have unending compassion for their pack – and with humans we are the head of the pack. One day I hope to go to an animal shelter and see which of the dogs reacts to me – as my mother said ‘Let the dog adopt me.’
One day is a horrible phrase there is a suggestion in it that what we want may never happen.
And I come to the conclusion. There is a change in my life coming. It is one that I hope will make me feel better – less anxious – less lonely – and less depressed – but despite all I believe about judgment and allowing each individual to make their choices I find I cannot commit to tell you here. Maybe next time.
Be safe and be well.
I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.
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