Tag Archives: depression


When you’re in school there is this idea of keeping up appearances. And I am not talking about Mrs Bucket. I only have this from a male perspective but I am sure women experienced something similar. It is the idea that there are some things you are supposed to like and falling out side of that can make you feel ostracised.

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Then into adulthood nobody cares. Mostly nobody cares – there is always someone. If you are introverted and you say you want spend your evening reading, sitting alone with a film, or playing Mario Kart someone will probably ask why you never want to have fun. The funny thing is I would look very silly if I said that to someone saying they were going to a party!

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However being introverted, I am declaring myself that, doesn’t mean I dislike all integrations. If it is a group talking about something I like it can be great fun.

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I do judge myself though. I fall into the same pattern every weekend. For my purposes a weekend is Sunday and Monday. I end up doing the same stuff and coming to the end of Monday feeling like I didn’t do enough. I also feel tired a lot of the time.

I am not saying this stuff to garner sympathy or anything. This blog is the public diary, for want of a better phrase, and what would a diary be without personal thoughts?

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The popular definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I must be a text book case of this. Self diagnosis is not the best is it?

This blog post has been (and will be) written over several days and mostly in short bursts. On today (2021-02-02) only this and the next paragraph will be written.

I have just spent an hour dealing with emails – I planned to spend at most 15 minutes – so why an hour? Because clearing emails is a job that can’t be done in one sitting so I come up with a way to say ‘That is enough.’ and clearly that way is stupid!

I have the bad habit of liking the plan because it is the plan and sticking with it even beyond the point of it proving ineffective!

These two paragraphs were written on the 3rd and thus the plan continues. Short bursts. I have said it before that I am doing this and that is the problem I am facing – I go around and around in circles and never seem to figure it out. I am 34 this year I should have figured this out by now.

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Maybe there are some things we never figure out in life. One of the things I am discovering to be difficult is to manage on my own.

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In an ideal world I would get a dog. We don’t live in an ideal world. It would be unfair to expect a dog to be okay alone for 11 (ish) hours a day five days a week. However, without being too hyperbolic, I think having a dog would help me. On those days when getting up is difficult a dog would give me a reason to – and walking the dog in the park feels, somehow, better than just going for a walk by myself.

I remember a video from a while back of a woman and her dog. She was distressed and hitting herself but the dog was there to help. It stopped her, trying to move her hand aside, and find a way to comfort her. Dog seem to have unending compassion for their pack – and with humans we are the head of the pack. One day I hope to go to an animal shelter and see which of the dogs reacts to me – as my mother said ‘Let the dog adopt me.’

One day is a horrible phrase there is a suggestion in it that what we want may never happen.

And I come to the conclusion. There is a change in my life coming. It is one that I hope will make me feel better – less anxious – less lonely – and less depressed – but despite all I believe about judgment and allowing each individual to make their choices I find I cannot commit to tell you here. Maybe next time.

Be safe and be well.

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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Thinking about what you can’t control only wastes energy and creates its own enemy.

Worf (Star Trek: The Next Generation – Coming Of Age

This is one of my favourite quotes and is a good way to think about life. I know it is good advice but that doesn’t mean I am easily able to follow it. In fact at the moment of writing (Friday) my mind is preoccupied with something I can’t control. I am concerned and feel as though I am shaking and, what is worse, it is for a very stupid reason.


My phone is still being repaired. I handed it over on Sunday (2019-09-08) and it has yet to come back. I know it can be fixed and I have now acquired a case for it so that this will not happen again – yet I can’t stop thinking about wanting it back. I am using my old phone at the moment and now I am remembering why I got the new one in the first place. I also realised that the photos were not backed up. If they are lost it is actually not a big deal as there is nothing much their but it would still be a shame. I actually thought they backed up automatically. Which shows what little I know about technology.


This has been a learning experience for me though. The most obvious is the necessity of having a phone case. The less obvious is the importance of disconnection from time to time.

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I realise the irony of that statement. I am writing this on my laptop, Majel, while listening to Emma Blackery on my Google Home, and my ipad has a timer running. However when I go out I am not checking Facebook all the time – I haven’t bothered to set it up on my other phone. And I don’t want to use the other apps much until the real phone is back in my hands. It shouldn’t be too much longer now.


Worry seems to be a near constant companion for me. I am trying to get it under control but it is a constant enemy. Today it is the phone, when the phone is back it will be something else, and through it all there are the daily concerns – some are trivial and some less so – but most are things I can’t control.

I hope that you reading this are having a good day. I hope you find the time every day do do that thing that makes you smile

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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Black Day

pexels-photo (1) Mental health. I have talked about this before on this blog and I dare say I will again. I know that this is a topic that is everywhere these days. And I know that sometimes the response is to ‘suck it up’ – or may be even a sentence that begins with the words ‘In my day…’

To show I have some rebellious qualities I’ll address the second one first.  Have you ever come across this sort of sentence: ‘In my day we just got one with it.’?

What I am driving it is the idea some people have that anxiety and depression are new things and that in the past people just got on with their lives. I am sure I have heard that argument somewhere. There is however a flaw in that logic.

As time goes on the human race changes and develops. I remember my Nana telling me a sad story. I think  pexels-photo-220197that this happened to a neighbour of hers…

Back in the days before having a phone in the house was normal an old man was having problems with his heart.

His wife quickly went up the road to call for an ambulance. Sadly by the time she’d returned the man had died. The point of this story is that today, with a phone immediately to hand, that man would have lived.

I remember once hearing an old woman reject the idea of having a mobile for emergencies. And said something to the effect of ‘Did emergencies not exist before mobiles?”

Yes they did. And sometimes people died.

So, by the same token, I think that depression, anxiety, and other mental issues have probably always existed. However it is my opinion that it isn’t that we have suddenly seen an explosion in mental health issues – rather we hear about them more. And we can do things to help people.

As the title of this post suggests I get bad days. There is no explanation for why. There are no big things changing from day-to-day – I just get days that are bad. On the bad days I just feel like everything is pointless and it is difficult to find happiness.


The fact that feelings come and go make getting help more complex.

I had a temperamental ipod once and wanted to get it fixed. Being temperamental though meant I couldn’t guarantee that it would be malfunctioning on a day when I could get to the shops.

It is sort of the same with me. Right now I feel fine. Not great, not happy exactly, but not exactly sad either, just fine. I feel no need for help at the moment. However I think that those feelings could resurface at any moment and then I will feel that need of help again.

I have a week off work coming up and that should be a good time to evaluate myself. It will give me an opportunity to work a few things out. To work out what I need to be happy. pexels-photo-68721

I hope that you reading this now are happy. I hope that you are smiling. I hope you have someone special in your life.

And if you are going through some stuff, having bad days, I hope you can find your happiness.

I know there are some cliches in this post but it was something I needed to say. Have a wonderful Sunday and I’ll be back soon.

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.


The pictures here are from: https://www.pexels.com/

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The Enemy

I want to write something here but I don’t know what. I believe I’ve written here nearly every week since the beginning of the year. If not I can always retcon that particular resolution to be an average over the year instead. Moving the goal posts is always an option.

Today has been an okay day. This evening has been one of those times when nothing has felt worth doing. I have moments of depression. I don’t know if its diagnosable as a thing but I do find myself flip-flopping between being most unhappy to jump around happy. Which is really strange.

Depression is not something that can be quantified. It can be felt even when there is nothing wrong. In the grand scheme of things there is nothing wrong. I have enough money, I have great parents, and friends. However I think it is important to realise that one is ‘allowed’ to feel bad – others may be in a worse predicament but that has no bearing on one’s own happiness.

When even the merry sounds of Mario Kart can’t cheer you up there isn’t much hope. There is something else something that’s been bothering me. I know this amounts to those vague Facebook posts that everyone hates but I’ll just say: “I’m Sorry.”

And I’ll leave you with these wise words.


Thinking about what you can’t control only wastes energy, and creates its own enemy.

Lieutenant Worf – TNG Coming of Age.

That was from Season 1 of TNG – proving that even amongst something bad there is good to be found.


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