Category Archives: Mental Health

The Ramble of a Confused Man

Have you ever felt like this when Googling symptoms?

The internet is a wonderful thing in many ways but it can also cause many issues. One of them is the problem of Googling to find out what is wrong with you.

Rachel: I don’t know! I think it’s kind of serious! Oh, you know… I was watching this thing on TV this morning about… Newcastle disease… and I think I might have it!!
Charlie: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only affects chickens and… other poultry.

The One with the Soap Opera Party (Friends)

A person could spend half an hour googling and discover they have a disease thought to have been extinct, an appendix about to explode, and that they are pregnant. Which is especially concerning if they have already had their appendix removed and are male. The reality turns out to be that they drank too much alcohol and not enough water the night before.

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I had an idea for a science fiction story once. It was a world where doctors could simulate the patient’s condition in themselves. My reasoning behind this was that in doing so the doctor might be better able to prescribe the right medicine. After all we all conceptualise the universe differently. Even in a family you might disagree on if something is red or orange. When we used to play Uno with my grandmother she couldn’t see the difference between the green and the blue. More than that though mightn’t it be tricky to know what is a problem? The human body is going to hurt sometimes and we all have different pain tolerances. If a patient says the have pain in their arm there is really no way to know if that is something that will pass or indicative of something else.

Flanders and Swann (The Elephant)

In Star Trek they have the tricorder. I wish this thing existed in reality. I am not like the elephant in this song but it would still be great to have a doctor wave a device over me and know about all that was wrong mentally and physically – and how serious it all was? That technology is, at the moment, indistinguishable from magic as Clarke would say.

Photo by PhotoMIX Ltd. from Pexels

Sometimes googling symptoms might yield results. I think it can be a good first step but certainly not the last step. Until such time as we have magical scanning devices we just have to get by with how we feel and decided if we need further help.

I wanted to write this because I know there is something not quite right in my mind. I feel strange a lot of the time. I get upset over small things, I get stressed in situations that others can cope, I am slow where others are fast, I struggle where others do not. And none of this is to get sympathy, that is not what this is about, it is about the human condition.

Photo by samer daboul from Pexels

Fear and anxiety are the easiest emotion I can think of to explain what I an ineptly reaching for. Spiders don’t bother me at all. If I see one in my flat the most I would do is say: ‘Hi, Bert.’ Some people are terrified of them and it doesn’t matter if they know they are harmless. For myself I have difficulty with plans. When I go to work in the morning I will have an idea in my head of what I am doing that evening, even if it is just watching Netflix, and for me it is not such an easy choice if I am invited to the cinema after work – because I had plans.

That is the thing I really want to say from this rambling post. I think we all need to understand what others find difficult. I want to put an example here but I don’t want to offend or embarrass anyone. Some of my issues are weird even to me. Like feeling I shouldn’t have spent so much time on this post. Why? Because it wasn’t on the plan for today.

Maybe this post is too rambling. Maybe it doesn’t make all that much sense and it is just a bunch of words not in a good order. I don’t know. Sometimes things demand to be written. I needed to write it though and try, even if it only makes sense to me, to get somethings out of my brain and on to screen.

In closing I would just like to say I hope you are doing well with whatever fears and difficulties you are facing. And I am going to prove I leaned nothing from studying creative writing by ending on a cliche – ‘You’ve got this.’ Good luck to you, dear reader. Good luck too all of us.

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I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.  

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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How has Your First Week Been?

https://www.pexels.com/photo/blackboard-business-chalkboard-concept-355988/

I can’t answer that question as I haven’t lived it yet. This is the problem with writing these things so far in advance. A week has happened though and hopefully it was a good week.

Additional: Although now the week has happened as apparently I am proficient at procrastination. Not that I haven’t been doing stuff I just haven’t been doing this!

https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-flying-on-parachute-near-green-trees-67298/

The new year always feels like parachuting to me. The end of the year has happened. The celebrations have happened and suddenly it is just January. Which to me is a bit of a nothing month.

Suddenly I am in free fall into a new would of possibilities. And as the year goes on the ground gets closer and closer and I start to wonder if the parachute will open – will the end of the year make me feel I have achieved something?

https://www.pexels.com/photo/achievement-confident-free-freedom-6945/

Time ticks away and every year seems to go faster than the one that preceded it. We have so much time each year and yet so much of it is already allocated to work, cooking, cleaning, and other necessities. I know where I want to be in 365 days time – it has been the same for the last few years. The question is how do I get to the destination.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/backpack-commute-commuters-locomotive-1170184/

It is said metaphorically and literally that the journey is as important as the destination. I am not so sure that that is true. A train journey can be fun, especially if travelling through a picturesque part of the world, but wouldn’t you hate it if you never arrived? Sounds like a hell realm to me. Especially as over priced snacks would be all there was to eat.

…in many human cultures, the thirtieth birthday is considered a sort of milestone. It marks the end of youth and the beginning of the slow march into middle age.

Doctor Bashir (DS9: Distant Voices)

In September I will be 32 and that fact is somewhat scary. The plan for my life, such as it was, didn’t come to fruition. I feel like I am taking all my time just to stay afloat in life and not get anywhere. This year I need to get somewhere.

Photo by Anugrah Lohiya from Pexels

My passport is on the table in front of my now. And I need to use it. I have some savings and I think I need to plan a trip. Planning is difficult for me. My job requires booking leave a year in advance for one thing. For another I can’t book a flight and an Air b’n’b without work granting me leave and I can’t ask for leave before knowing the flights – Catch 22.

Maybe this sounds silly to you and maybe it is. This is something I need to work on.

One week into the year I am a bit shaky and not that happy. I am glad though that I have written this post and continued my unbroken chain on this blog. See you next week.

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I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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Filed under Mental Health, Productivity, travel, writing

2019 Two Weeks to Go

Don’t Panic

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Also Corporal Jones (Dad’s Army)) 

Today, as I write this, my mind is in a complete jumble. I get like this from time-to-time and it is a difficult to put the feeling into words. 

This picture is a good representation of how it feels sometimes. My mind is starting to calm down but earlier it was like there was this fog of thoughts. And I can’t even completely put into words what I was thinking about. 

Thinking about what you can’t control only wastes energy and creates its own enemy.

Lieutenant Worf (TNG: Coming of Age) 

Yesterday (Monday) I did some Christmas shopping. Naturally it was very busy indeed. I do not like crowds. I have to put in extra mental energy just to walk as I find my way through.

Photo by anna-m. weber from Pexels

Shopping offline is a nice thing to do at Christmas time but sometimes I like the idea of just ordering from Amazon. (Other enormous companies are available.) There are no crowds and it is just easier.

I haven’t been sleeping too well lately – or maybe I just haven’t been sleeping for long enough. Despite what I said last time this upcoming new year does feel like a place for a new beginning and I know that that is an illusion. 

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. 

Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)

What am I going to do? I don’t know.

One thing I have achieved is a meditation streak of 241 days. I would like to think that that has helped me but I am not sure. The jumbled feeling in my brain is still there. 

Photo by lalesh aldarwish from Pexels

This post is my way of working through some stuff and it has not been entirely successful. It is now Friday for me. I have some time off over Christmas and maybe that will give me the opportunity to work things out. I at least want to reach the point where, at the end of a given day, I feel happy about what has been achieved rather than annoyed and what hasn’t. For today writing this post has been an achievement. 

Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is ask for help when you need it.

Rupert Giles (Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Seeing Red) 

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I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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Brain Like a Sieve

bakery baking blur close up

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The last post was bang on time. It was not late at all. Except I did the internet equivalent of putting in a locked filling cabinet in a part of an office building where nobody goes.

And the reason you have a lovely picture of a sieve to look at is because the idea I had has taken a holiday. Write stuff down my friends.

I hope that things are going well with you. I am continuing with Morning Pages and I think it is useful. If nothing else it gives a space to vent every morning. Never underestimate the value of a good vent. Just sit on your bed and pretend that your teddy bear is a very good friend of yours.

wood bridge cute sitting

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

He may not be able to offer advice but he will really listen. And sometimes that is what you need.

Writing this post is a little strange for me. At the moment I am feeling fine. Normally I write about depression on the bad days but today was good.

I had the opportunity to work in a different department at work. (I am keeping where I work secret.) So I have had an early start today and an day of lots of activity – moving stock from shelf to shelf and generally trying to get the shop organised.

photo of a woman holding an ipad

Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

And now my brain has found the key to the locked cabinet, I have fought off the leopard, and I can tell you what I was going to tell you.

On my last day off I got a lot done. I timed myself and it was five hours. There was exercise on that day, reading, writing. meditation, and house work. And you know what? It felt good.

I have this mindset of needing to have fun. The problem is I don’t even know what that is and in fact it is so simple. Fun is just what makes you happy and apparently, for me, fun is marking off stuff on a self created to-do list.

It is another example of Idea vs. Reality. The primary one being food. How many of you I wonder have had this happen: I think I will buy that thing…doughnut, burger, sausage roll, ect, and then you eat it and are disappointed. The idea was marvellous the execution not so much.

alone animal animal photography blur

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I was accused of being dull the other day. Well it is all relative. Last weekend millions watched a bunch of guys kick a ball around. To me that is dull. If you like football that is great! I do mean that. To me it is dull. (And growing up sports on TV meant my shows were bumped!) I have discovered that productivity is actually fun. Knocking out a few items on my list and then trying to think of what is fun is not fun.

Maybe, by the national average, I am dull. I don’t care.

This post was written when I have had a good day and thus it is bright. I know the dark will come again. That is just how it works. For now there is this blog post… and cookies… there are always cookies.

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I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

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Filed under Mental Health, Productivity, Uncategorized, writing

Morning Pages

purple petal flower

Photo by Artur Roman on Pexels.com

I have been writing Morning Pages for the past few days. Basically this is 500 words first thing in the morning. The clue really is in the name!

The idea is just to write whatever it is that is in your mind as soon as you wake up. I have mentioned it here before, I believe, but I have just got back into it.

I have heard it said that handwriting is the better way to do it. My handwriting is probably out done by some trained monkeys so for me using the iPad is better. I can dictate to that for one thing.

I have been writing about some sad things. The first part of the day is always my lowest point. I have looked for an app called Evening Pages – I think book ending the day that way would be of use.

If you struggle with depression or dark thoughts it might be of use to you. Why not give it a go. 500 words on paper, on the Morning Pages app, carve it in stone if you like! I would be interested to hear how you got on.

Well it is nearly midnight and I have work in nine hours so bedtime for me. And, by the magic of a scheduled blog post, by the time you read this work will be over!

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I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

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Negativity

pexels-photo-54379.jpeg I have a tendency to be rather negative. This is a problem I have. This is a problem I need to deal with. This is a problem I don’t quite know how to deal with.

In the past I have Googled the subject of emotional suppression. Unless you hail from the planet Vulcan emotions are something that you have to deal with. At the time of that search I wanted to know if emotional suppression was really possible. And at times I still do.

My emotions are often in turmoil. I find that a good mood can be destroyed by something relatively minor. Being jump around happy is amazing – but sometimes wonder if sacrificing those times would befitness-jump-health-woman-56615.jpeg worth it if it meant never having to feel bad.

I know that, as humans, we can’t give up on emotion. Which means trying to deal with them.

To that end I have been meditating. I honestly can’t say with any certainty how much it has helped. I suppose the only way would be to have two identical mes and one meditates and the other doesn’t and then the data is compared – so bring on the cloning vat – set course for Sontar.

There is a lot of noise in every day life –   calm-daylight-evening-267967 both in reality and in our own minds. Thus taking a few minutes to stop and not think can surely only be beneficial. With the caveat if you’re in a car heading off a cliff you might want to try turning away.

Switching off completely is more difficult these days than it ever was in the past. Thanks to social media it is so easy to get sucked into you tube and Facebook. The former particularly is one I have a love/hate relationship with. I have found some wonderful videos on there but, on the other had, I probably don’t need to know 25 Things I Hate from some random person.

Creeping_butercup_close_800By the time you read this I will have returned from my holiday. I hope that I will feel refreshed and a bit better about myself.

I think the negativity of others is worthy of consideration too. If you have a friend who gets done on you and tells you you are useless then maybe you want to distance yourself from them. I am just a guy with a blog. There is no reason to take advice from me but a friend being negative is not going to help. It may even be in the guise of being helpful. Maybe they are telling you to be realistic about a dream of yours. In life there is no guarantee of success but in terms of ambition I refer you to the words of J Michael Straczynski: ‘Never Surrender Dreams.’

pexels-photo-261510Naturally writing is my dream. I can’t imagine not doing it. At times it is infuriating; when the image so clearly in my mind is so hard to translate into these little inefficient squiggles. At times it is annoying: when I don’t know something and have to get passed the 20th page on a Google search or find an expert. And sometimes I realise that the thing I need to know is something I will never understand.

Always though I know this is what I need to do. Not in a destiny way. Not in a ‘it was meant to be’ way. This is just something that has to be for me. I hope that many of you have that enjoyment of something.

For now I keep going. I try to be more positive and find the things that make me happy. And I will keep writing. Maybe one day I can make a living from it. That would be a great day indeed. But maybe not though – it is a compulsion, it is almost like a drug, but I must, as Joe Sisko says, ‘Write the words.’

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I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

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The pictures here are from: https://www.pexels.com/

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Black Day

pexels-photo (1) Mental health. I have talked about this before on this blog and I dare say I will again. I know that this is a topic that is everywhere these days. And I know that sometimes the response is to ‘suck it up’ – or may be even a sentence that begins with the words ‘In my day…’

To show I have some rebellious qualities I’ll address the second one first.  Have you ever come across this sort of sentence: ‘In my day we just got one with it.’?

What I am driving it is the idea some people have that anxiety and depression are new things and that in the past people just got on with their lives. I am sure I have heard that argument somewhere. There is however a flaw in that logic.

As time goes on the human race changes and develops. I remember my Nana telling me a sad story. I think  pexels-photo-220197that this happened to a neighbour of hers…

Back in the days before having a phone in the house was normal an old man was having problems with his heart.

His wife quickly went up the road to call for an ambulance. Sadly by the time she’d returned the man had died. The point of this story is that today, with a phone immediately to hand, that man would have lived.

I remember once hearing an old woman reject the idea of having a mobile for emergencies. And said something to the effect of ‘Did emergencies not exist before mobiles?”

Yes they did. And sometimes people died.

So, by the same token, I think that depression, anxiety, and other mental issues have probably always existed. However it is my opinion that it isn’t that we have suddenly seen an explosion in mental health issues – rather we hear about them more. And we can do things to help people.

As the title of this post suggests I get bad days. There is no explanation for why. There are no big things changing from day-to-day – I just get days that are bad. On the bad days I just feel like everything is pointless and it is difficult to find happiness.

clasped-hands-comfort-hands-people-45842

The fact that feelings come and go make getting help more complex.

I had a temperamental ipod once and wanted to get it fixed. Being temperamental though meant I couldn’t guarantee that it would be malfunctioning on a day when I could get to the shops.

It is sort of the same with me. Right now I feel fine. Not great, not happy exactly, but not exactly sad either, just fine. I feel no need for help at the moment. However I think that those feelings could resurface at any moment and then I will feel that need of help again.

I have a week off work coming up and that should be a good time to evaluate myself. It will give me an opportunity to work a few things out. To work out what I need to be happy. pexels-photo-68721

I hope that you reading this now are happy. I hope that you are smiling. I hope you have someone special in your life.

And if you are going through some stuff, having bad days, I hope you can find your happiness.

I know there are some cliches in this post but it was something I needed to say. Have a wonderful Sunday and I’ll be back soon.

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I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

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The pictures here are from: https://www.pexels.com/

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