Tag Archives: Mental Health

2019-10-06 · 18:00

House

Photo by **Vladimir Kudinov** from **Pexels**

Today (2019-10-05) I didn’t leave the flat. I am trying to decide if this is a good thing, a bad thing, or a neutral thing. It is bad from an exercise point of view that is for sure. I have taken less than 1000 steps so that is not so good – but I have got some stuff down – it is not like I have been binge watching TV.

Photo by **Skitterphoto** from **Pexels**

I resisted the temptation to have a takeaway. Instead I had some soup and garlic bread for tea. So I am still not doing well on the caloric intake. Overall though I have been productive and that is something for the win column – even if, once again, I am realising I am trying to do more stuff than I have time for.

Cannot run out of time. You are finite. Zathras is finite.
Zathras (Babylon 5: War Without End Part 2)

I know I am going round in circles having talked about this before. Which I suppose means that I am not making much headway. One thing I have done is book a holiday. It is not till next year but I am going to Amsterdam.

I have a bucket list book which I am writing in every so often. Most of what I want to do is to travel – so it is long past time that I started to do that. I have never been abroad by myself before. The Netherlands seems like a good place to start. I can fly from Cardiff for one thing – and maybe I will go to Belgium too as it is not too far from Amsterdam.

Photo by **Vincent Rivaud** from **Pexels**

That is the plan for next year – and I hope to go abroad every other year at least – in theory I can afford that – money is the only barrier now.

For my day-to-day life I have no idea how to work things out. I have no idea how to balance all that I need to do with all that I want to do. All I can do is to keep trying to figure things out and battle the terrible feelings when they arise.

I hope you are well and happy and I will be back next week.

I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

I have a Patreon page. I hope you will consider supporting this blog: https://www.patreon.com/unstableorbit

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Tagged as Mental Health, Productivity, travel

2019-09-29 · 18:00

Apple for A Job

Red Dwarf is in trouble (again)

I have dyslexia which is why ‘Apple for a job’ was on my to-do list. Incidentally who decided that dyslexia should be spelt that way. Why not dislexear – is that the correct phonetic spelling? I do not know I have dyslexia – and apparently I like to repeat myself – so I won’t be winning Just a Minute any time soon.

This show is always funny.

Well it is not ‘apple’ but apply for a job. And there is nothing more tedious than filling out an application form or bolstering a CV – especially when some places require you to submit a CV and then repeat the information on the application form!

The problem is that, aside from writing, I have no idea what it is that I want. This is bad because I am 32 and because without a clear idea it is difficult to go at it with any enthusiasms. So I am left with searching for jobs and seeing what sticks in my mind. Frankly I just want to write – and possibly live in a tiny house – and travel – and fall in love – and have lots of kisses – and banish my depression. Most of that shouldn’t be too much. If I can find a job that allows for those things I could do almost anything couldn’t I?

I do not know.

Just a short one this week. See you next time.

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2019-09-22 · 18:00

Birthday

Photo by **fotografierende** from **Pexels**

It is funny, and also sad, how a birthday changes as you get older. When you’re young it is exciting. It might mean going to bed later. It might mean being allowed to do something new – either from a legal perspective or because your parents now deem you old enough. However there comes a point where a birthday is just another day.

I am starting writing this on the 14th – my birthday is the 17th and the day has just crept up on me. At one time I would have been so excited now I am kind of meh about it. It is sad.

I have spoken before about feelings of sadness and depression and I think that on my birthday is when it really comes in to focus. My birthday is a milestone I am 32 now (it is now the 17th) and it can be a sign that another ship has joined the fleet of missed opportunities. That is how it feels sometimes at least. I am not in a relationship and I am still figuring myself out. And sometimes I think I always will be.

I know exactly how Kirk feels.

Lately I have been thinking of fundamental changes I could make to my living situation. I live in a studio flat and at times it feels like not enough space. I have come to realise that it is not the amount of space but how it utilised. I am renting and the flat came with a bulky bed with little storage – one of those that lifts up would be far better.

I love this space – I would have a library instead of the walk-in wardrobe.

I have been watching a lot of videos of these tiny homes. I say tiny but this place is better than where I live. The clever use of space is wonderful there is so much you can do if you have control. We are heading into a new year and living in a place like this lovely house would be amazing.

There are only two things you need for a tiny house – money and a place to put it. The first one should be doable, even a loan could be paid off in five years and be no more than rent over those five years, the problem is the second one.

I encourage you to go to this YouTube channel these videos are great.

The world hasn’t really woken up to the idea of tiny homes yet. This seems a little silly. There is often talk of it being impossible to own your own home in the current economy and a tiny home can make that possible. Land could be set aside in cities for such constriction. Wouldn’t it be nice to see a street of these little houses each one unique? And that is not even getting into what it could do for homeless people.

The number one house in this video costs $5000. It would be so cheap, on a governmental scale, to provide a home for all the homeless in the UK. Brexit has cost so much money just think of what that could have done to help the homeless and others in great need.

Photo by **Markus Spiske temporausch.com** from **Pexels**

It is now the 22nd of September – yes it has taken a long time to write this. Yesterday I was out with my family. We had a beautiful sunny day and went to Margam Park. I hadn’t been to the park in a long time and it was wonderful to walk in the sunshine. I got a Lego set and some money from my parents and a book and some money from my brother.

Today I am okay and sometimes that is all that can be said. It is early still as I finish this and then on to the next task. Today is a good day. My feelings are often problematic as I know that deep sadness will return but that is tomorrow.

Oh and I picked up my repaired phone – they did a great job.

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2019-05-05 · 18:00

Do Less to do More

https://www.pexels.com/photo/clear-glass-with-red-sand-grainer-39396/

I had a week off a few weeks back. I had leave to take rather than going anywhere. I really should have gone somewhere – that is a different story of me having the planning capabilities of a gnat. Instead I was following my ridiculously detailed to-do list. I made a useful discovery though. I am trying to do more things than I have time for. In short my list would only work if the days were longer than 24 hours. I am moving to Bajor!

I have spoken many times about my attachment to my to-do list, my attempt to get things done, my feeling of never doing enough, and in general managing to stress out about stuff that only I care about. I discovered I was trying to do over twenty hours – a struggle on a week off – impossible on a normal week. Well maybe not impossible but you are forgetting my proclivity for procrastination – so much procrastination. Perhaps a more accurate statement would be that I suck at prioritising.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/human-skull-with-white-background-46510/

I didn’t just ineffectively follow my list. I say ineffectively because I never did get the feeling of a good thing done. What was the other thing I was doing? Binge watching Bones. That counts as productive, right? Right?

In other thoughts… These blog posts are always written over several sessions. It takes a while and doing otherwise might mean I didn’t do something else – things like meditation, my diary, and Duolingo. The apps I use keep track of progress and therefore I don’t want to miss a day. The problem is the ebb and flow of my metal state.

I may start a post on a bad day and thus the post is morose and unhappy. Then I come back to it on a good day and suddenly the hopelessness previously shown makes no sense. Meaning it is difficult to pick up where I left off.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-playing-mini-fig-1660662/

It is like playing with Lego as a child. Perhaps you are building a space rocket and then mum tells you to go to bed before it is finished. When you wake up the next day you want to make a submarine. So you take apart the rocket but bed time happens before the sub is finished and the cycle goes on and on.

At the moment I am okay. I am not feeling the hopelessness I sometimes feel it is more of a resigned feeling. More Puddleglum – less Marvin the paranoid android. Are those two characters too similar for this example to work?

Here is a picture of a lion because Puddleglum is a character from the Chronicles of Narnia – and Pexels didn’t have a wardrobe in their collection.

And here is a beach because I like beaches and walking along one on holiday always has a calming effect. Whoever you are reading this now – thank you and I hope you are doing well.

And happy Star Wars day for yesterday.

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2019-04-07 · 18:00

The Untitled Blog Post

A great song by my favourite artist.

It is Sunday. Once again I am writing this in the eleventh hour; actually I have eight hours until you will read this. I wanted to share this song with you a song I think I have shared it before.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/white-bed-comforter-212269/

I had trouble getting out of bed this morning. Maybe I was just tired but I was too alert to go back to sleep and too sleepy to get up. This happens to me sometimes. On a work day I can force myself to get out of bed – in that case other people are relying on me and I need to be somewhere. When it is just me though it is easy to just stay in bed.

I haven’t listened to this one in years but it was in my mind this morning.

So I was in bed. I looked at some YouTube videos I wasn’t really interested in and wished I was getting up. Does this happen to anyone else here? That you really want to do something but some how you just can’t make your body do it? In the end it took about two hours and even now I am still feeling groggy maybe the morning isn’t the best time for me.

Sometimes they play this song in work…on Sunday! Now isn’t that ironic?

I want to be a morning person. I have spoken here before about getting up at 0500 and the days when I have have been productive. However they are also days when I don’t get enough sleep. My grogginess is nothing to do with sleep, not that I am a doctor of course, but I have felt more alert on days of six hours of sleep than on some days of nine.

Rushing around indeed, Dido

The problem is I seem to be neither a morning or an evening person. I would love to do an experiment of what times I would do things if I didn’t know about time. It would mean having another person around to record what time it was.

Not really relevant but I am talking about time. (Plus this episode is excellent.)

With work we all have to fit in to the idea of mornings being the beginning. Now that is a weird turn of phrase but it is true. The stereotypical job begins at 0900 but some people don’t really feel like they’re capable of doing anything till later in the day. Perhaps it is because I work shifts but I have not yet figured out my best time to get my stuff done.

Yeah. Pretty much.

I have got some of my stuff done this week but there is still so much more to do. And without access to a time machine it won’t be possible. There are so few hours and so many more distractions. I am also the king of procrastination and sometimes even when I have been productive I am not happy about what I have done but annoyed at what I haven’t done. And… you have probably guessed it the gym was one of the things that didn’t happen this week.

I can’t wait to watch this with my nephew.

When I am feeling uncertain, sad, worried, lonely, concerned, or just thinking of a future that may never be there is always nostalgia. Watching a show you know well can be helpful because you know how it ends. I may not manage to figure life out, I may not get published, I may not have reciprocal love but International Rescue will always save the day.

Whoever you’ve been today; happy, sad, lonely, worried, tired, or energetic I hope you’ve have an excellent day and that your Monday isn’t too manic.

***
I just wanted to say that I have checked this post. I really have. Unfortunately my particular combination of dyslexia and dyspraxia makes it really hard for me to spot typos. Please enjoy and I’ll try not to make too many errors.

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2019-03-31 · 18:00

The Ramble of a Confused Man

Have you ever felt like this when Googling symptoms?

The internet is a wonderful thing in many ways but it can also cause many issues. One of them is the problem of Googling to find out what is wrong with you.

Rachel: I don’t know! I think it’s kind of serious! Oh, you know… I was watching this thing on TV this morning about… Newcastle disease… and I think I might have it!!
Charlie: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only affects chickens and… other poultry.
The One with the Soap Opera Party (Friends)

A person could spend half an hour googling and discover they have a disease thought to have been extinct, an appendix about to explode, and that they are pregnant. Which is especially concerning if they have already had their appendix removed and are male. The reality turns out to be that they drank too much alcohol and not enough water the night before.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/adult-care-cure-doctor-433635/

I had an idea for a science fiction story once. It was a world where doctors could simulate the patient’s condition in themselves. My reasoning behind this was that in doing so the doctor might be better able to prescribe the right medicine. After all we all conceptualise the universe differently. Even in a family you might disagree on if something is red or orange. When we used to play Uno with my grandmother she couldn’t see the difference between the green and the blue. More than that though mightn’t it be tricky to know what is a problem? The human body is going to hurt sometimes and we all have different pain tolerances. If a patient says the have pain in their arm there is really no way to know if that is something that will pass or indicative of something else.

Flanders and Swann (The Elephant)

In Star Trek they have the tricorder. I wish this thing existed in reality. I am not like the elephant in this song but it would still be great to have a doctor wave a device over me and know about all that was wrong mentally and physically – and how serious it all was? That technology is, at the moment, indistinguishable from magic as Clarke would say.

Sometimes googling symptoms might yield results. I think it can be a good first step but certainly not the last step. Until such time as we have magical scanning devices we just have to get by with how we feel and decided if we need further help.

I wanted to write this because I know there is something not quite right in my mind. I feel strange a lot of the time. I get upset over small things, I get stressed in situations that others can cope, I am slow where others are fast, I struggle where others do not. And none of this is to get sympathy, that is not what this is about, it is about the human condition.

Fear and anxiety are the easiest emotion I can think of to explain what I an ineptly reaching for. Spiders don’t bother me at all. If I see one in my flat the most I would do is say: ‘Hi, Bert.’ Some people are terrified of them and it doesn’t matter if they know they are harmless. For myself I have difficulty with plans. When I go to work in the morning I will have an idea in my head of what I am doing that evening, even if it is just watching Netflix, and for me it is not such an easy choice if I am invited to the cinema after work – because I had plans.

That is the thing I really want to say from this rambling post. I think we all need to understand what others find difficult. I want to put an example here but I don’t want to offend or embarrass anyone. Some of my issues are weird even to me. Like feeling I shouldn’t have spent so much time on this post. Why? Because it wasn’t on the plan for today.

Maybe this post is too rambling. Maybe it doesn’t make all that much sense and it is just a bunch of words not in a good order. I don’t know. Sometimes things demand to be written. I needed to write it though and try, even if it only makes sense to me, to get somethings out of my brain and on to screen.

In closing I would just like to say I hope you are doing well with whatever fears and difficulties you are facing. And I am going to prove I leaned nothing from studying creative writing by ending on a cliche – ‘You’ve got this.’ Good luck to you, dear reader. Good luck too all of us.

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Tagged as doctor, Health, Mental Health, Productivity

2018-09-16 · 18:00

The Enemy Within

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The Enemy Within is the first Star Trek episode to include a transporter malfunction. This would become a staple of the Trek universe. In this story Captain Kirk is split into two halves his good and bad sides. This story requires a hefty suspension of disbelief. It also requires Shatner to over act so he is right at home.

That might be a bit of a cheep shot but Shatner does have a well earned reputation for over acting. In this episode as evil Kirk he has to yell ‘I’m Captain Kirk.’

As well as the dilemma of Kirk being split in two there is also the problem of the landing party being stranded on the planet. Watching this now the obvious question is why not use the shuttle? There is only the out of universe explanation that they didn’t yet have a shuttle to use. Even so they could have rescued them off screen and done so without need of a new set.

Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

I have seen this episode before but not for a long time. This time I found myself identifying with Kirk’s predicament as he sees the other him – the savage him.

I feel that way sometimes of having a part of my being that I can’t, or don’t want to, face a lot of the time. For me it is not about evil and good – rather it is happiness and sadness.

I have days when all the weight of life feels too much. I feel a sense of hopelessness. In those moments all my life goals feel far away and there seem to be no possibilities for change. Then, sometimes, I feel happy without specific stimulus. In those moments everything does seem possible – although still far far away.

Photo by Luis Ruiz on Pexels.com

So when Kirk sees this mirror of himself – this violent man. I believe I can almost understand. When I am in a state of being alright the great sadness is alien to me and I cannot imagine how it feels. It makes it hard to seek help because it is like describing a sunny day in the park to an eyeless fish in the deepest depths of the ocean.

Star Trek is well known for these types of stories. It often uses science fiction to try and explore an aspect of humanity. That aspect could be internal and emotional or external and dealing with important issues.

We have another incident of violence against woman. Evil Kirk assaults Yeoman Rand. This is made even worse considering what happened to Grace Lee Whitney in her real life. That scene made for uncomfortable viewing and Spock’s last line of the episode, where he suggests, obliquely, that Rand might have liked it is disgusting. It is stuff like this that makes me unsure of TOS as a whole. The 1960s seem so alien to me a lot of the time. We have a long way to go in treating all people with proper respect but I think we have come a long way too.

Photo by Binyamin Mellish on Pexels.com

I am going to come up against heavy topics a lot in this show it seems. The past really is another world.

In conclusion though this was a good story. It explore the concepts of the two sides of humanity quite well. I do wonder if they would have been better off removing the landing party plot to focus more on the main plot. We do get a nice moment with Spock where he talks about the two sides of his being and how he has to balance them.

We are only a few episodes into TOS but I will be back with the next episode which is: Mudd’s Women – which is also fairly anti-women. I am sensing a theme here. I am so looking forward to reviewing my favourite TOS episodes. We have a little way to go yet.

***

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Tagged as Mental Health, star trek